http://www.bmonkey.za.net My personal website built using my self taught skills and free information on the internet. Sun, 05 Feb 2012 09:04:12 -0600 en http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/twilight-functions/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/twilight-functions/ Our latest addition to the wickedcaffeine family Twilight Functions offers you the best way to organize any event or function. We guarantee your satisfaction by only using the best suppliers so that you can be assured of receiving the best final product. Twilight Functions also offers you the unique service of your own personal coordinator, who will guide you every step of the way to a perfect function – from planning to budget to clean up! Our service is what sets us apart and puts us at the forefront of providing you with the quality you deserve. Give Twilight Functions a visit and find out more! Tue, 13 Jul 2010 08:16:18 -0500 http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/the-ultimate-poker-player/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/the-ultimate-poker-player/ Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player Thu, 06 May 2010 09:27:15 -0500 http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/rebelliouscreations-dot-com/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/rebelliouscreations-dot-com/ Rebellious Creations This is currently the latest website I have helped contribute to the world wide interwebs. PHP, MySQL and jQuery were used to create this masterpiece. Please don't bother visiting if you havent got the latest and greatest browsers. Tue, 20 Apr 2010 14:39:52 -0500 http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/life-observations/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/life-observations/ 1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong. 3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. 4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. 6. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with? 7. Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. 8. There is a great need for a sarcasm font. 9. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it. 10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. 11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 13. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text 14. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say" 15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 16. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". 17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? 18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! 19. Everytime I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" 20. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? 21. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. 22. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 23. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. 24. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 25. Bad decisions make good stories. 26. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB-gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! 27. Is it just me or do high school girls get s1uttier & s1uttier every year? 28. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... 29. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. 30. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 31. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. 32. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. 33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' 34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 36. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes. 37. Why is a school zone 40kph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... 38. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. 39. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 40. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 41. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@stard before dinner. 42. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... 43. I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. 44. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. Mon, 31 Aug 2009 05:57:29 -0500 http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/a-firefox-tip-for-the-lazy-impatient-man/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/a-firefox-tip-for-the-lazy-impatient-man/ Being the completly impatient person that I am, I get annoyed sometimes waiting for Firefox to open (usually I go make a cup of coffee to kill the waiting time), although admittantly it is my fault as I have riddled it with extensions. Sometimes however I want to use all extensions. Sometimes I do not. There are currently two ways to do this Use Firefox Safemode Just by creating a shortcut from the start menu to your desktop you can easily boot up safe mode for a faster browsing experience Use Prism (Firefox addon or standalone app for Mac) This could be quicker than opening Safe Mode and still having to type your address in the address bar, its basically like an internet shortcut on your desktop, but not really. I suggest you read up on this as it is a really interesting idea. For me this gives me access to my gmail with an easy double click and no other extensions loading up, you can even minimize to your system tray to save space . [Prism Features] Pick your poison for a less impatient way of loading FF :D Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:25:01 -0500 http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/laws-of-computer-programming/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/laws-of-computer-programming/ 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. Thu, 04 Jun 2009 09:31:01 -0500 http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/storing-coffee--the-correct-way/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/storing-coffee--the-correct-way/ I've read many different articles on how to store coffee (beans! - who wants to store ground anyway?) and have come to one single conclusion. No one really knows the correct way to store the magical brew for medium to long term consumption. Many people say "dont't freeze your beans" or "refrigeration changes the flavour and make up of the coffee". Others say "split the coffee up in packs and store in the freezer or fridge, never re-freeze". This just leaves me utterly confused and right at the beginning of where I left off, stuck with stale beans and a finger in my bum. So to leave you utterly dissappointed (yes the title suggests some celestial advice) there is no correct way to store coffee for long term use. The only real way is this: Buy beans as you need them. Never grind more that you are going to use for brewing, if you do, use the leftovers as a refrigerator deodorizer - dont drink it! Don't buy coffee from supermarkets or coffee shops. Go to a speciality store and try organise with them to get you fresh coffee (I usually buy in 250 gram bags). Use new coffee within a week of buying it! Store in an air tight container in a dark cool place where the temperature doesnt flucuate often. I.E. a pantry or at the back of your cupboard If anyone knows a method that works, please inform me, because so far nothing has! I hope this little bit of advice will improve your coffee drinking experience. Tue, 05 May 2009 05:10:04 -0500 http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/snow/ http://www.bmonkey.za.net/archives/snow/ December 8 It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all. December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 Merry f--king Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? Tue, 23 Dec 2008 07:21:05 -0600